Both of my parents died this month.  Mom at the beginning.  Dad at the end.

Three years apart, but both in February, so it’s always a rather depressing time for me.  

I don’t really like to be one of those people that insists a single day/week/month sucks simply because something crappy happened to you on that date, several years ago, but my parents losing their battles to AIDS when I was 7 and 10 years old has had the greatest impact on the person I am today over any other events in my life.  Thus, this month has some awful super power that no matter how much I resist, consistently makes me feel like shit - dredging up all sorts of “what ifs”, “why mes?”, and “what fors?”.  

At least it’s the shortest month of the year… 

Today, February 2, marks 20 years since my mother died.  Twenty-freaking-years.  In some ways it seems even longer than that and in others it feels like it just happened yesterday.  

The absence of my mother has certainly changed me at the very core of my being, in mostly bad ways, but I’d like to think there’s a few good ways in there too.  Like, I am strong, mostly thick skinned, and unafraid to tackle life on my own - because I’ve always had to.  But then again, I’m the extremely weak for that same reason, so maybe there are no good things that have came from losing her.

Mostly though, I have a gaping hole inside of me that can only be filled with her.  Obviously, that is never going to happen, but it’s another one of those things that I can’t change, no matter how much I want to, just like the February Effect.

I often think about the person I would be if I had been raised by her, and if I still had her in my life.  I would probably be a softer, more loving, more maternal, less jaded person.  I know I’ll never know for sure, but that question is yet another uncontrollable thing, just like the February Effect.

So yeah, I hate you February.  I’m sorry darlin’, I know you’re just a month on our calendar, and that you never asked to be the one my parents died in, but I can’t help but hold it against you.  And I have no choice but to struggle through you, for 28/29 days, until I can come out fresh again in March.

I miss you, Momma.  I miss you, Daddy.  Forever and always.  <3

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   adore you for what a wonderful, kind hearted,...their birthdays in February. Thank you...

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