[Roxie Writes]

This is gonna be short because my Internet had been down for 3 hours and I am doing this from my phone.

Day 08 - A moment when you felt the most satisfied with your life.

When I’m writing. Every time I’m writing.

It’s when I feel the most alive, the most accomplished, and the closest to forces greater than myself. All of the pain, stress, worry, inadequacy - all of life’s negativity - vanishes in that moment, and I am wholly satisfied with my life.

It’s simply the best form of therapy. I put down my pen/iPad feeling like my existence is important. That I have contributed something to this wide world, and that I am successful in my own way. That I am special enough to have been given communion with that greater force. Each and every time I feel these things.

Thankfully, this isn’t a moment that I must leave in the past to remember with fondness and longing for the rest of my life; it’s a moment that I can enter and re-enter whenever I wish, simply by sitting down and writing.

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

I’m a Scorpio, and yes, I think I actually fit my sign pretty well aside from the “only being out for myself” stuff, because believe it or not, I have a huge capacity for empathy. In fact, I have been reading a lot about being an empath, and it makes a lot of sense to me, but that’s for another post.

When I first started learning about paganism, I also began learning about astrology and for a while I was really into it. I believed it was all true and played a huge part in what happened to me in my life, but as I’ve gotten older I no longer feel that way. I don’t believe in any outside force controling my life, be that the stars or God. That by no means means I don’t believe in Deity, because I do. I just don’t believe that they exercise force in what way my life unfolds.

I also think that anyone can fit any astrological sign if they look hard enough. (The same goes for numerology, etc.) The traits, while generally pretty concise, are in another way very broad, and I think this is because it makes it easier for people to identify themselves as something, thus making it easier to believe and subscribe to it. Not to say there is anything wrong with that really, or that I look down on folks who do believe, I just don’t like the feeling that gives me. It doesn’t make me feel content or joyful as I believe spirituality should, so I don’t subscribe to it myself.

So, if I had been asked this question a decade or so ago I would have answered with some long-winded explanation about all the traits of a Scorpio and all that stuff, but now I just think of astrology as yet another theory of why things are the way they are, and nothing more.

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

I don’t know if there are 30 interesting things about me, but I’ve gained a lot of new followers recently, so I’ll use this to give you a little bit about my background and my life. Interesting, I can’t promise. =]

1. I was born HIV+.
2. I have a younger brother (4 years) who is HIV negative.
3. Both of my parents died of complications of AIDS. My mom in 1992 and my dad in 1995.
4. I wasn’t supposed to live past 10 years old.
5. My brother and I were raised by my maternal aunt.
6. I was homeschooled until the 2nd grade because my mother was sick and we didn’t want to bring anything home to her. Then, after she died and I started school, the administration and parents threw a giant fit and almost made it where I couldn’t attend class.
7. My dad spoke to schools/churches/etc. about HIV/AIDS our family was on television lots of times. We were one of the first openly positive familes.
8. My dad didn’t use my name in his speeches or in publicity to protect my privacy. He called me Abigail instead.
9. Being so open about our status in the early 90s was very hard. A great deal of the people in our town (including our church) made pariahs of us.
10. My dad told me to tell people that my mother died of cancer instead because people accepted that easier than AIDS.
11. To protect both the safey of myself and other children, my dad told me I had “poison blood” and if I were to get scraped or cut that I was to come to either him or a few other designated adults for help, and no matter what, to never let other kids near me. I still have issues about my blood because of that.
12. It wasn until junior high that I started to be open about my HIV status, but even then I was extremely selective about who I told.
13. By the end of high school I was no longer ashamed of my status and I made no effort to hide it.
14. I don’t know if it was the time, or maybe it just so happened that people in my school were more open minded or what, but I had very few hurtful reactions. The school did walk on eggshells with me though. I never got in trouble for absences, and even if I went to the nurse with menstrual cramps they would send me home.
15. I met my partner my freshman year of high school, and while I was very scared to tell him about my status (moreso about his parents’ reaction than his own), my aunt and I discussed it and we decided it was best for me to tell him before the whole sexual aspect kicked in. He never even blinked an eye. =] His parents did freak for a little while (understandably), but thankfully they trusted their son to make intelligent decisions. The rest is history.
16. Aside from a few times as a very small child, I have never been hospitalized for serious HIV related illnesses.
17. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003 after a suicide attempt and prolonged psychological problems.
18. From the time I can remember I have had a passion for the written word. My dad used to tell me that I would grow up to be an author, and he was right. He taught me how to read at a very young age (I can’t remember a time when I couldn’t), and by the time I was in the third grade I was reading at a college level.
19. I have always admired my father’s bravery in being so open about our lives with AIDS, especially with the country’s mentality at the time, but I have never been good at public speaking like he was. I think I can make an impact through writing though. I’m currently working on my memoirs about growing up in an HIV+ family.
20. I am also currently working on a young adult fantasy novel. It has pretty much taken over my life for the last 8 months or so, but I am incredibly excited about it, and feel like I am finally beginning to realize my life’s goal.
21. I do not have any children, nor have I any desire to ever have any. There’s a lot of reasons for that, the main one being that I am simply too selfish to want to turn over all my time and energy to a child, and I do not think that is a bad thing. Also, I have too many health problems to want to/be able to raise a child, and I grew up without my mother, so there is no way I would want to put my child through the same thing if I were ever to get sick.
22. Instead of children, I have animals and I love them to bits. Sometimes they are the brightest light in my life. Currently, I have a pug/shih tzu mix named Throckmorton Trouble and an African pygmy hedgehog named Thaddeus Otto.
    
    
23. I have owned hedgehogs since 2003 and they are another of my great passions. I run a care website, sayhedgehog.com, and a Tumblr.
24. I am very opinionated, and a grand loudmouth. My family jokes that I was talking before I was born.
25. I am the smallest person in my family standing at a whopping 4’11”. I think that’s why I’m such a motormouth, because I’m so tiny I’m scared no one will notice me otherwise. ;)
26. I am nearly 28 years old and have never had a driver’s license. I have a crippling phobia of driving, and unless some horribly dire circumstances ever arise, I will never drive a car.
27. I have been blogging actively since 2003, and have made many friends online who’ve become more important than friends I’ve made IRL. The Internet has been the best and easiest way for me to be social, and I can’t imagine my life without it. So thanks, Al Gore. ;D
28. Two of my greatest friends have left my life recently. One of them from death, and the other for reasons of her own. I am still trying to make sense of both situations with little success.
29. I’ve been battling against a really frustrating side effect of my antiretroviral medications using a new medication called Egrifta. The side effects have ruined my self image, but I’m working as hard as I can to turn it around both inside myself and through the use of Egrifta.
30. I cry every time I see a sea turtle IRL. Sometimes even common land turtles. I have no idea why.

Before I get to the challenge, I finally spoke with my doctor today about my blood work and such.

My counts are still fabulous, so yay times a million!

My cholesterol is still high, but it’s gone down by about 20 points, so hopefully by continuing to take fish oil and with a better diet (heh) I will continue to see improvement. She said that my age and sex are in my favor when it comes to cholesterol, so that’s good. If things done get any better, she said we could think about removing one of my medications to see if it helps, but I really don’t want to do that unless I absolutely have to.

Some not so great news though is that she got a fax from the center that supplies Egrifta saying that I am going to have to reapply for it AGAIN. Neither if us are quiet sure what the hell that is about, but hopefully it’s just a matter of refilling out paperwork and not them taking it away from me because I really don’t think I can handle that right now.

*sigh*

Anyway, on to the challenge and it’s whopper of a downer today.

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

I would like to say that I have never been in that headspace, but I have and I probably will again. Having bipolar disorder = occasional suicidal thoughts. It’s just a fact, and once I accepted that, it made it easier for me to get through those episodes. It’s all a matter of remembering that it truly is a cycle, and that given enough time the urge will go away. Of course, slugging through that time is easier said than done, but I’m still here, so there has to be something to say for that.

And that’s where I’ll leave this question.